What Sherlock Holmes Can Teach Us About Parenting

Do you hear what I'm Saying?

Wendy Young, LMSW, BCD

Lets face it. As parents, our 24-hour-a-day, 7-days-a-week job can be exacting, demanding and exhausting. After an endless array of chatter and a litany of questions, we may sometimes be less than the best of listeners. How do we avoid the trap of responding, uh-huh, yeah, oh, I see, without hearing what our children are really saying?

Follow these sure-fire ways to really hear your kids:

1. Start with the Heart

Using empathy is a sure-fire way to acknowledge what your child is saying and validate how they might be feeling about a situation. When your child tells you that they were teased on the playground, one of your thoughts might be, How dare that kid tease you! You may even be tempted to say, Next time he says that, you should tell him _________ (fill in the blank). A response that would allow your child to know that you heard and understood his experience might go something like, That was such a hurtful thing for somebody to say to you. I bet that made you sad. Im sorry that happened to you today.

2. Play Parrot

Well, almost. Rather than repeating back verbatim what your child said to you, summarize the major points and zero in on the main theme. When Suzie tells you that she was invited to a big birthday party at the local pizza place and that the group will go ice-skating afterwards, a mere acknowledgement would be a response like, Uh-huh. If you want Suzie to know you really heard her, a more effective response might sound more like, Wow, that sounds like a lot of fun. Thats your favorite pizza place and you havent been ice-skating in awhile. Ill bet you cant wait.

3. Be Sherlock Holmes

Ask your kids questions to clarify meaning and get more information to let them know you are really listening. When Francisco tells you hes working on a school project, but doesnt provide more details, start asking away. Hmmmwhat kind of project is it? What is your topic? What class is it for? Are you doing this alone, or with a group? Can I help with anything? What are you planning on doing? As a final comment, dont forget, I cant wait to see how it turns out.

While there are times when a simple, I see, or Uh-huh, will do, be sure to add in a healthy dose of good old-fashioned listening with a response that lets your child know he or she has been heard. 

Wendy Young,LMSW, BCD, a child and family therapist can be found at http://comprehensivecounseling.homestead.com